In the rollercoaster that is Exchange, I recently encountered a low point. I couldn't figure out exactly what was causing this downturn, especially as I was in Cartagena when it happened- CARTAGENA!!!!!!! How could I not be ecstatically thrilled at all moments when I was in one of the most beautiful places in the world?
Well, my first error was the belief that any emotion other than happiness was inherently wrong. That's so far from true- life is a veritable rollercoaster, and it's totally normal to feel alone, sad, or any negative emotion, even in Cartagena de Indias. I didn't really understand these feelings though- I felt lost, like I didn't know myself, and I was missing my family a lot. It wasn't until I talked to my dear friend from home, Leah Jackman-Wheitner, that I began to understand where, exactly, these rebel emotions were coming from. (Thanks, Leah :)
One of the reasons I was feeling down was that my exchange isn't all the things I expected it to be. I expected to be forming deep connections with intellectuals from all over the world, and to be constantly going out and doing things, and for Colombia to feel like my home, completely. The reality is that making friends across cultural and linguistic barriers is really, really hard. Not to mention, there are no other exchange students in my town, and all exchangers say that the best friends you make are other exchangers. I'm close with my host family, but not as close as I had imagined I would be. I would love to go out all the time, but going out alone as a women is not a safe option here. I have Colombian friends, but am only close to one of those friends. I feel like a complete outsider here- sure, I'll always have an affinity for this place, but it doesn't quite feel like home, and I often feel alone. Thus, all these unmet expectations led me to believe that I was doing something wrong- my exchange doesn't look like everyone else's! Obviously that means that I'm failing, right?
No. I'm not failing. My friend, Leah, pointed something out to me: there's no perfect way to do exchange, no blueprint- therefore, there's no way that I could be doing it "wrong". And maybe my exchange isn't about the relationships I'm making with other people, but rather growing and expanding my relationship with myself. I don't have to magically click with my town or with the people in it- I just have to experience it and learn from it. And I am experiencing and learning from it- and maybe that's what really matters.
Another reason I was feeling down- I felt like I had lost myself. All my life, I've had a strong sense of self and of what I want from life- but something about being in a foreign country and a foreign culture had thrown that sense for a loop. Suddenly, I had no idea what I wanted from life, nor who I was as a person. I'd been trying to fit into Colombian culture and my Colombian family for five months- but who I am as a person is not someone who fits into either. Had I lost myself somewhere along the way? Had I tried so hard to be Colombian that I forgot who I was, really? And on top of that, I'd been reading some Buddhist philosophy and trying to develop myself spiritually. Buddhism teaches that the self doesn't truly exist, and that we attach ourselves to our egos in order to deny the vast truth that lies within us. So was my feeling of not knowing who I am ridiculous, because the self isn't real anyway?
These were just a few of the thoughts running through my head. Talking to my friend, though, she pointed out something that brought me out of my crisis of self. Of course I feel ungrounded! I, as a person, am always taking on way too many self discovery journeys at the same time- trying to find my spiritual, social, and academic identities all at once, and in a foreign country- naturally, that's going to be a bit unsettling. It now makes sense why I feel lost, and now I feel a bit less lost.
And finally, one of the biggest reasons why I think exchangers need to touch base with home every now and then, was that I was reminded of how big of a deal what I'm doing is. Moving to a foreign country, by myself, at 16. Of course it's hard! But it's also super cool, and I'm super brave for doing it. I tend to beat myself up a lot, and not give myself credit for what I've accomplished. I'm eternally grateful for my friend, Leah, and my family back home, for reminding me to trust myself and to be confident in myself, because who I am is worthy of that.
Sharing a journey this personal with the internet, is, of course, rather intimidating- this low point and how I got through it, is, well, very personal. But I wanted to share it to point out a few things-
1) Everyone needs to touch base with friends and family, no matter how independent they are. The love and support that grounds us comes from those we hold closest. Don't forget or be afraid to lean on them when you need it- it has helped me infinitely in my exchange, and it's important to remember for life.
2) To all my fellow exchange students- there is no prototype for exchange. It doesn't matter if you're not having the time of your life, or if you're not accomplishing everything you wanted to. Be proud of yourself for what you're doing regardless- you're wonderful and brave, and no matter what, you will be okay. Trust yourself. You're awesome.
Thank you for reading this post. Thank you for supporting my personal growth, and thank you for being there, even just by reading this blog. I hope you got something out of this, dear reader, even though this post was entirely about me. I know I'm not the only one who has experienced feeling like these, and I hope that by sharing them, I can help others deal with whatever they're going through, exchange students or not. Take care, and don't forget- everybody needs somebody to lean on :)
A picture of my friend Leah and I, at my going away party:
