Sitting in a Starbucks in Columbus, Indiana, looking out the window at the drizzling rain, and I can’t help but feel a sense of déjà vu.
It wasn’t too long ago that I was sitting in Juan Valdez cafe in Pereira, Colombia, staring out the window at the drizzling rain and the distant mountains.
And yet, it feels like forever ago. I feel like, with each day that passes, my Colombian life, my exchange, slips a little farther out of reach. I’m glad to be back, sure- nothing beats going to a school with a working bathroom and electricity (my Colombian school had neither of these things)- but a certain part of me seems to feel a little lost, a little out of place, and a little like I don’t belong.
This feeling isn’t new- my whole life, I’ve always felt like I don’t quite belong- but now, it’s exaggerated. There’s a new part of me, a part of me that my American friends and family will never be able to understand. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it does feel lonely sometimes. I listen to a salsa song, or I see an old picture, and I remember all that I’ve done, all the cool things that I’ve been a part of and seen. They’re things that have certainly made me more mature- I can tell how different I am since I’ve been back. But they’re also things that I miss.
Now it is college application time, and the future is, once again, uncertain. I know it’ll all turn out alright in the end- I’ve gotten through enough now that I know I can get through anything. But I can’t help but wonder, What now? I’ve done this amazing, life changing, thing, and what now?
I think as the next couple months roll on, this question will answer itself. I think that time will make the weird reverse homesickness I feel for Colombia dissipate. As for now, I will continue to go to school, do homework, and hang out in the uncertainty. If my exchange taught me anything, it’s that the groundlessness of being right here, and not really knowing, is perfectly good, and that every part of life, even the dull moments, are worth taking a second look at and maybe even enjoying.
A pretty picture of Mill Race Park, a park in my hometown:
